Every Breath We Drew
by particularly good finder
Summary: In the aftermath of loves lost, Kurt and Finn stand alone and broken among the destruction. They need each other, more than either will ever admit, and more than anyone could ever know.


**I tried to write this without too much Blaine/Raine and Quinn/Fuinn bashing. I have nothing against those ships and characters, they just…add drama to my Kinn shipping. Good drama. Angst-worthy drama. Please review!**

:-:

_your faith was strong, but you needed proof_  
><strong>her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you<strong>

:-:

"Blaine, we need to talk." Kurt caught his friend's hand, stopping him from escaping to class. "Please."

Blaine looked impatient and upset, and rightfully so. Kurt swallowed, guilt piling up as he conceded that yes, he hurt Blaine and, yes, he deserved to lose Blaine's friendship for the things he had said.

"What? Are you here to tell me that I can't date Rachel anymore? That it's an insult to confused gay kids all throughout Ohio? That I shouldn't be able to date her because I've never been attracted to girls before?"

His tone cut straight into Kurt's heart, and the lithe boy had to pause for a moment to push back his tears. "No, Blaine. I…I came to apologize."

Blaine's features softened, but his scowl stayed firmly in place. "Go on."

Kurt sighed. "I shouldn't have said those things. I didn't mean them, Blaine. I was just upset. You're the only openly gay guy I know, and for you to suddenly like girls…well, _Rachel_…and suddenly get to be _normal_…it was just…it hurt."

The scowl melted away. "Oh, Kurt…"

"But I'm happy for you. Rachel is…well, when she's not totally crazy, she's a great girl. I love her to death, and I know you'll be good for her. Just…be careful, okay? She's delicate…and so are you." Kurt gave his friend a weak smile. "I don't want to have to kill one of you for the sake of the other. Because I will. If needed."

Blaine bit his lip, then threw his arms around Kurt, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Thank you, Kurt. This…odd blessing means the world to me. And I'm sorry, too. I know what you need right now is a mentor…and I guess I sort of sucked at that."

Kurt shrugged. "I think we're better off as just…friends…" He choked on the last word, but Blaine – ever oblivious – didn't notice.

"C'mon," Blaine said, nudging Kurt with his shoulder. "Let's go to class before someone thinks we're making recreational use out of the janitor's closet."

"Um, actually, I forgot something in my locker. I'm going to go get that," Kurt said, backing away from his friend. "See you later."

If Blaine said something after that, Kurt didn't hear. He was too busy retreating to the nearest bathroom, tears rolling silently down his face.

:-:

_she broke your throne, she cut your hair_  
><strong>and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah<strong>

:-:

"Quinn," Finn breathed, gasping as the girl trailed her mouth down his neck, placing kisses along his collarbone.

"I can't…I can't do this, Finn…" She said, pulling back quietly. Finn stared at her, eyes pleading. "Sam…Sam's a good guy."

"_I'm_ a good guy…that didn't stop you before…" His words stung, but were padded by his desperation and heartbreak. "What's Sam got that I don't?"

"A backbone." Quinn's statement was said quietly, but the blow was low and hard. "He wouldn't do this to me. I can't do this to him."

"I never cheated on you!" Now Finn was just getting angry.

Quinn snaked her hand up his chest, overpowering him with her feather-like touches. "But you're helping me cheat on him. And now I'm ending this."

"Wait!" Finn couldn't help it; Quinn was just…something precious. And she'd been stolen from him once. Twice was just…pathetic.

"Goodbye, Finn." Quinn slipped off his bed, pulling her hair back. Finn just blinked in despair.

"But…"

Quinn turned on him. "I'm not leaving Sam for you. He's more than you will ever be. Just…learn your place, Finn." She leaned over, touching her forehead to his. "I'm sorry."

Ghosting a kiss over his lips, Quinn pulled back and disappeared, leaving Finn to drown in insecurity and tears.

:-:

_i've seen your flag on the Marble Arch  
><em>**love is not a victory march**

:-:

"You kids have fun, okay? You've both been so mopey lately," Carole whacked Finn lightly on the back of the head with her clutch purse.

Kurt smirked a little. "Sure, sure. Just don't get into two much trouble, you rascals," he teased. "I don't want to get a call from the police at three in the morning because you two have one too many glasses of Chardonnay at dinner and decide to relive your youth in public."

Burt scowled at his son, but Carole just laughed. "Yes, sir. We'll be back by curfew, I swear!"

"Watch it, kid," Burt murmured, kissing the top of Kurt's head. "Don't let him talk you into watching Bravo, Finn. You'll regret it forever." Finn gave a weak laugh. "No parties, no alcohol, no sex."

Kurt rolled his eyes. "How about drugs or tattoos?"

Burt didn't answer, but instead smiled fondly at his son and stepson. "Don't burn the house down. And cheer up! Night, kids!" He and Carole left, giggling like schoolchildren. Finn let out a pathetic sigh.

"Down in the dumps, too?" Kurt asked, his demeanor suddenly less cheerful. Finn nodded. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really," Finn admitted. "I just…feel useless. Like, no one's ever gonna want me. I'm just…a tool. A thing people use. I'm worthless."

Kurt felt his heart ache a little. "You're not useless. You're perfect the way you are. And someday…someone's going to want you."

Finn smiled a little. "You wanted me."

Kurt nodded, face flushing. "I never really apologized for that-"

"Don't." Kurt looked up, surprised. "Don't apologize. It…it was nice. Creepy, but nice. Because it was real. And I screwed it up."

"Finn-"

"Sorry. I'll stop talking." Kurt's face was a deep red, and he avoided Finn's eyes. "So how's Blaine."

Kurt groaned, burying his face into a pillow. "Dating Rachel."

"Still?"

"Yep."

"But he's gay."

"Bi, apparently."

"That's harsh."

"Tell me about it."

Finn leaned back against his seat on the couch, pouting. "Love sucks."

Kurt laughed bitterly. "Truer words have never been spoken."

A silence fell between them, cold and lonely and dark, palatable and thick. Finn shivered.

"I feel so alone…" he murmured, drawing in on himself. He looked over at Kurt, at his stepbrother. "I don't wanna be alone tonight."

Kurt looked back at him, eyes deep and clouded. Without a word he rose from the couch and took Finn's hand.

:-:

_it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

:-:

Finn walked down the hallway, shoulders hunched. He hadn't spoken a word to anyone since that night with Kurt. That had been a week ago.

"Finn." Sam Evans appeared in front of him, eyes dark with anger. "Did you kiss Quinn?"

Finn tried to shove past, but Sam blocked his way. The taller boy sighed. "What does it matter?"

Sam grew angrier. "It matters because she's my girlfriend! And she's cheating on me with you!"

The hallway grew silent. Finn laughed darkly. "It doesn't matter, Sam. She'll never leave you for me. I'm nothing to the great Quinn Fabray."

His response took Sam by surprise. "But she did kiss you?"

Finn nodded, sighing deeply. "For all that it meant to her, she could have been kissing a brick wall. I'm nothing."

Sam suddenly looked worried. "Finn, are you okay-?"

"Goodbye, Sam." Finn walked away, shoulders hunched even lower as he tried to collapse in on himself. Nobody said a word as he passed. He was nothing more than a ghost to them. He didn't matter.

:-:

_there was a time you let me know__what's really going on below_  
><strong>but now you never show it to me, do you?<strong>

:-:

"Kurt, hold up!" Blaine jogged to catch up with his friend. "Are you ignoring me?"

Kurt looked up, eyes dead and cheeks gaunt. "No."

"Well, do you wanna go get some coffee?" Blaine asked. "Rachel and Mercedes are coming."

Kurt blinked, then replied, "No."

Blaine swallowed back a mixture of guilt and worry. "Are you alright?" He managed to ask.

"No."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No."

Blaine stomped his foot in frustration. "I can't help you if you won't talk to me, Kurt! I thought we had made up!"

Kurt sighed. "We did. But that doesn't make it hurt any less, Blaine."

The shorter boy cocked his head. "What?"

"God, you're so oblivious, aren't you?" Kurt snapped, causing a couple passing boys to jump in fright. Blaine still looked confused. "Whatever. Just go meet with Rachel and be fabulous together and leave me to wallow in my misery."

"Kurt-"

But Kurt was gone, storming down the long hallway where the two boys had first met. Blaine stood in stunned silence, wondering where he went wrong.

:-:

_i remember when I moved in you__, __and the holy dove was moving too  
><em>**and every breath we drew was Hallelujah**

:-:

Finn fell on top of Kurt, panting heavily. Kurt let out a sharp breath, throat burning from screaming into the silent night. Their breaths and heartbeats mingled together in the dark.

"Why won't you kiss me?" Kurt asked, voice hoarse and quiet.

Finn stared at the ceiling, lips parted. "I don't know."

That was all they said. Words didn't mean anything when Kurt and Finn were involved. Finn's mantra of "_IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou-_" as he pounded deep into Kurt's being wasn't real, just as Kurt's sweet little whispers and whimpers of praise and devotion as he raked his nails down Finn's shoulders were nothing more than common pleasantries from his coital haze. They weren't in love – they just needed each other. It was a codependency of the most taboo kind.

In an act of unorthodox consideration, Finn rubbed his thumb into the small of Kurt's back, pulling him a little bit closer. Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, breathing in the sweaty, boyish scent of his stepbrother.

Tears pooled in his eyes as they drifted off to sleep. When Finn woke in the morning, Kurt was gone.

He felt even lonelier than before.

:-:

_and it's not a cry you can hear at night_  
><strong>it's not somebody who's seen the light<strong>

:-:

Kurt excused himself from Warbler's practice early the next day, claiming a migraine. It wasn't that he actually felt sick, and it wasn't that Blaine was going on and on about Rachel – if he was honest with himself, it was because his thoughts had been on Finn _all day_, and he just had to _go_. He had to leave, run away, and just escape for a while. He needed to _breathe_.

As he rounded a corner, he found Finn leaning against a pillar, gazing in wonder at the grand place Kurt called school. Kurt blinked.

"Finn?" The tall boy turned, smiling feebly at Kurt. "What are you doing here? Don't you have glee?"

Finn nodded. "I didn't feel like going. Apparently, neither did you."

Kurt bit his lip, unable to speak. Finn seemed to understand, so he continued.

"Look, Kurt…"

"I haven't told anyone."

"What?"

"I haven't told anyone. Nobody suspects you of…having gay tendencies."

Finn gave his stepbrother an endearing, but sad, look. "That isn't what I was going to say."

Kurt blushed. "Oh."

"I can't do this anymore, Kurt," Finn whispered, looking away. Kurt's heart sank. "I can't…pretend, anymore."

Kurt nodded, the lump in his throat aching fiercely. "I understand."

Finn continued, running a hand through his hair. "I just…I'm not going to _use_ you, Kurt. I've been used too many times by too many people, and I'm not going to use you. Not anymore."

Kurt nodded, eyes brimming with his pathetic, weak tears. He clenched his jaw, waiting for the final blow.

Finn bent down, and pressed his lips against Kurt's. Kurt gasped, clearly startled, but let Finn keep kissing him, too scared to mess up the moment himself.

Finn leaned his forehead against Kurt's, closing his eyes. "I'm going to love you, instead."

:-:

__it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah__

:-:

Kurt brushed his hand against Finn's cheek, tears falling freely now. "Oh, _Finn_…" He stood on his tiptoes, connecting the distance between their lips again as he kissed his first love with a passion he never knew he possessed.

Finn's voice broke as he spoke. "Please say you'll love me back. Please love me like I love you."

Kurt let out a small sob, nodding fiercely. "Until the day I die, Finn Hudson. I will always be yours."

Finn felt the torn edges of his heart throb at Kurt's words, and he knew that he was healing – that they _both_ were healing.

He pressed another kiss to Kurt's lips, then to his jaw, his cheek, his forehead, his eyelid, his neck, _everywhere_, just breathing in the scent of his lover, tasting Kurt's skin like they had all the time in the world and none at all.

"Take me home," Kurt whispered, threading their fingers together. Finn smiled and nodded.

"Of course."

:-:

_hallelujah_

:-:


End file.
